Dear Reader,
Word Raccoon has invented a mathematical system regarding Coke Zero that cannot be peer reviewed because no qualified scientists are brave enough to examine it closely.
While it might be akin to what the internet is calling “girl math,” being a feminist, she rejects the term.
It begins before every trip, the mathing. Every trip by car, that is.
This dunes trip apparently required twelve Coke Zeros.
Not ten.
Not “obtained as needed from gas stations along the route.”
Twelve.
This number was determined through raccoon calculations too advanced for ordinary humans.
Don’t try to figure any of this out.
Unfortunately, before the trip even began, Word Raccoon “accidentally” drank three of them at home because the house supply had run dry, and tea was not cutting it.
Now, some people would say this means there were nine left.
Not Word Raccoon.
Word Raccoon believes:
12 minus 3
equals:
“Well, there are stores along the way, so have another right now.”
I yanked the plastic bottle from her greedy little hands and gave her a bottle of water.
She also simultaneously planned to manufacture reasons to stop along the way just so she could sneak another.
What, she wasn’t driving, she said, although she also said she was the DD, and when I asked if she knew what that meant she said Designated Drinker of Coke Zero.
I sighed and filled her in.
I further explained that though she blisses out in the stuff, it is not actually intoxicating.
She begged to differ.
(That last joke could use some tightening but my eyes are pleasantly beach tired, so it’s not happening, dearest reader.)
Regardless, this equation somehow brought her peace.
Later, while packing the car, she discovered only three Coke Zeros in the backseat.
Three.
Scandal! Intrigue!
This meant six were missing.
Nine minus six equals raccoon beverage panic!
Word Raccoon immediately concluded theft most foul.
Not ordinary theft, either.
Organized beverage crime.
She became deeply suspicious despite/because:
- The car had been locked.
- Nobody is likely to steal lukewarm Coke Zero from a random car under a carport.
- The prime suspect was, statistically speaking, herself.
Still, she mourned.
She fumed.
Not quietly.
And with a delivery service on speed dial.
I told her to think about where she’d seen them last before rashly SOSing for more.
She retraced her steps like a detective in a prestige drama called Law & Order: Carbonation Unit.
She says indignantly that she’d totally watch that!
Reader, you will perhaps be relieved to learn that the six-pack was eventually discovered in the trunk, where Word Raccoon herself had apparently hidden it from future “accidental” drinking.
And had blamed me!
So three plus six equals a semi-happy raccoon who never-the-less insisted on drinking too many, meaning she was either going to have to replenish her stock, cancel the rest of her beach trip, or switch to coffee.
Hotel coffee.
Gross!
With a day and a half of the trip to go as of this writing, she has 4 1/2 left, and she is planning to be on a hot beach most of the day, so those will not last long.
Don’t worry. I’ll make her drink some water along the way, too.
Wait, she discovered two in the back of the car she’d forgotten about. Bliss!
Raccoon math is not really math. It’s greed disguised as careful accounting.
Before we say goodbye, Word Raccoon would like it officially stated for the record that if someone drinks three-fourths of a Coke Zero and returns the bottle to the cooler, they should be tried before a jury of parched women.
Especially if they haven’t asked for one.
Cheering you on with a Coke Zero!
Drema
dremadrudge.com 