Word Raccoon says she wants a “Start Over, But Make It All Hank Green” button on YouTube.
Actually, no. 

She wants a “Make It All Green Brothers” button.

Because YouTube is starving us. As if insomnia isn’t bad enough, it’s trying to cure it with:

• Seventeen faux science videos a day and we know they’re faux because none of them feature Hank Green OR Neil deGrasse Tyson. (We don’t trust anyone else with the science. Kidding. Maybe.)
• Family vloggers from that one particular state so dry on all fronts that I don’t know how they smile so damn much. Aren’t they dehydrated en masse? Also, why are they so creepy? 
• A creator who used to be thick and now thinks that gives her license to verbally slap cookies out of the hands of anyone over a size 8. Rude!
• “Alarming New Ways You’re Failing at Skin Care” (I will never buy twenty products for my face, y’all. That’s BS.) 
• Ten dessert recipes to make with cottage cheese and none of them cheesecake, which would at least be closer than brownies. No! Just…no!

What we want in our YouTube feed is:

Hank Green explaining the microbiome like it’s sacred scripture, and John Green weeping over a gas station because it represents everything broken and still beautiful about America. 

Why isn’t there a YouTube button labeled:

“Please Replace This Trash with the Green Brothers’ Tenderness, Curiosity, Intelligence, and Sometimes Juvenile Humor”

One press, and suddenly my feed would be full of:

Smart People Feeling Things 

Hank Green vs. the Chaos of the Internet (and knitters. Oh, Hank…)

John Green Staring Into the Middle Distance While Holding a Copy of Leaves of Grass while his wife approaches him with a glass of water and his meds that he admits are sometimes difficult to take. Take the damn meds, John! Just do it.

No more YouTube videos like:

• “Alpha Male tells you What Women Should Wear” (Rigggghhhttt.)
  
• “How to Fix Your Life with a Daily Placenta Smoothie and 500 Squats” (If you don’t get how disgusting this is, I can’t help you.)
• “Thrift Shop Finds” (I’m onboard for those. Especially blazed and glazed’s channel, but that highlights another issue: YouTube forgets to show me things I like. DID I SAY STOP SHOWING ME THOSE??)

Give us something like this (these do not exist, dear reader, just should):

• “Let’s Talk About Death. But First: Turtles” (John.)

• “Why that Viral Video is Wrong and I’m Sorry to Point this Out but not Really but Hey, They Were Asking to be Debunked” (Hank. And thank you!)
  
• “The Thing About Infinite Jest and Mortality” (John. And BTW, why didn’t we all get it – it’s in the title, y’all…it’s in the effing title, g-d it!)
  
• “Why Crying in Target Is Scientifically Justified” (Probably Hank. With either a flow chart or maybe Hank filming John wiping his eyes with a soft flannel shirt on a hanger and contemplating the beginning of fall as a metaphor for the end of youth.)
  
• “This Gas Station Made Me Rethink Hope” (Definitely John. Partially covered above. If John ever shifts from writing to painting, a gas station is definitely on his list to paint. One he saw on a childhood road trip through Arizona that sold clay, unpainted turtles. His painting will probably eventually hang next to Nighthawks in the Art Institute.)
  

I’m really not asking for much, just:

A compendium of Hank’s complete footnotes whispered for sleeping purposes and atoms and bees and unhinged Wikipedia corrections and how he turned his cancer diagnosis and treatment into the opportunity to educate.

Although sorry, Hank, but your voice has too many peaks and valleys. Great for your excited videos, but I think John’s calmer tone is gonna have to do the reading.

John’s melancholic metaphors, his oddly specific obsessions with plague history and AFC Wimbledon. And both his love of Crown Hill Cemetery (me, too) and his gentle negging of Indiana. Which I will try not to resent him for.

Dear YouTube,

Please give us the Greenified Algorithm.

Let us start over. Give us videos we will actually enjoy. 

Serve us a feed curated by the emotional range of two brothers who would absolutely return their shopping carts and then make a video about why that matters, though John would talk about how it’s the thoughtfulness to others and Hank would speak on the economics of returning them vs. not.

Please more: 

“Hank Green Explains Why Your Emotions Are Scientifically Measurable and Also, Slime Mold Is Awesome. Here, Smell.”
“John Green Reads a Poem While Crying Into a Mug of Tea, Then Auctions the Mug to Fund Tuberculosis Treatment in Five Countries.”

Let me learn something and feel something. Let me be entertained and inspired.
Let me be…

Green-pilled. (Too much?) 

Okay, there are other types of videos I’d enjoy too, not just the Brothers Wim, but WR is not in the mood to see her post shape shift further and oh yeah, that hair appointment has been rescheduled to today, so no time.

But if the Green brothers were to take up ASMR hair brushing, and IF the algorithm gods are listening, I mean….